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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23702974">Goodbye, Hello</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno'>BuckyAndDanno</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Evan Buckley-Severide [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>118 Season 3, 118Feels, 51Feels, Angst, Chicago Fire Season 3, Firefam Feels, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Lawsuit AU, M/M, One-Shot, Post Shay's Death, Protective Kelly Severide, Season 3 AU, Slightly Depressed Buck, i love these boys, it's a long one, so many feels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:22:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,841</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23702974</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lawsuit AU. Buck’s just found out that it was Bobby who stopped him from coming back to the 118, and he’s tired of fighting to return back to a family who clearly doesn’t want him. So Buck quits, and he travels the country in search of a new start. Perhaps it’s a guiding angel, but without even realising it he ends up in Chicago – parked outside of Firehouse 51. In front of him is Kelly Severide, and Buck finds himself falling into the arms of his big brother with a sob that’s been building for months. Now that Buck’s here, Kelly won’t let him go; finding Buck a place on Squad 3. From there, Buck finds the new start he was looking for, and a new family to go with it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Kelly Severide, Evan “Buck” Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Evan Buckley-Severide [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>613</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Goodbye, Hello</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone! This is my first time posting on AO3, even though I’ve been a reader for a while, and my first time posting fanfic in years. I’m a huge procedurals fan, and 9-1-1 is one of my latest obsessions. I love Buck (especially when he’s hurt or angsty) so this is my addition to the Season 3 tags. I’m a big fan of crossovers too, so this is also my addition to the brilliant ‘what if Buck left’ fics I’ve been loving. I’m also working on a much longer Hawaii Five-0 crossover that I’m thinking of posting when it’s done, if anyone’s interested, and a Lone Star one. Anyway, enjoy!</p><p>I don't own anything to do with 9-1-1 or Chicago Fire, and the incident at Med (and dialogue) is taken from the Chicago Fire episode 'I Am The Apocalypse'. I just made it so Buck's hurt instead of Sev.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan Buckley was tired. He ached, deep into his bones; a weariness that came from fighting a battle that everyone but himself knew he would never win.</p><p>He wasn’t going back to the 118, that much was clear now.</p><p>It hurt to know that everything he’d worked so hard for had been taken away by a reckless kid and a blood clot. It hurt that his so-called ‘family’ had more often than not abandoned him, leaving him to his spiralling thoughts and the deep seated wrongness of his leg. It hurt that they’d replaced him, Eddie especially, even going so far as to tape Bosko’s name over his. It hurt that after the Tsunami, not one of them checked he was okay for longer than a few minutes. They called, of course, checked he was going to his therapist, that he was eating; but they never asked if he was actually okay. Maybe they assumed he’d survived so much, that this was no different. They didn’t realise it was simply an even bigger mountain that Buck was struggling every day to conquer.</p><p>It all hurt, but what hurt the most – the last thing he’d ever expected – was finding out that it was Bobby, of all people, who was stopping him from coming back.</p><p>In his two and a bit years at the 118, Buck has always seen Bobby as the father figure he never had. Buck liked his step-dad, don’t get him wrong, but his mother had remarried when Buck was nearly 18, and Benny’d already had a son. They had a good relationship, but it wasn’t fatherly. With Bobby, Buck had found a sense of peace and love that he’d never thought he’d have.</p><p>Now it lay in tatters, along with any trust Buck had ever had for Bobby.</p><p>Buck hurt.</p><p>Buck was tired.</p><p>Buck didn’t know what to do now.</p><p>He’s lying on his couch, long forgotten beer bottle swinging in his hand, just gazing up at the ceiling. He doesn’t know how long he’s been there for, counting the swirls over and over. He doesn’t honestly care.</p><p>It’s not like he has anything to get up for anymore.</p><p>Bobby told him he just needs to stay on desk duty a little longer, that he’ll be ready as soon as he’s off the blood thinners. But Buck knows he could be on the blood thinners for months. He knows he can’t handle desk duty for that long.</p><p>They’re at a stalemate, and neither wants to budge. So he stares at the ceiling until his eyelids droop shut and sleep takes over.</p><p>The next morning he wakes feeling worse. His eyes are gritty, aching with every blink. His back is sore from sleeping on the lumpy couch, and his neck protests from being in an awkward position for so long.</p><p>He reluctantly gets up, cleans the beer from where it’d spilt on the floor, and makes coffee. He stares out the window as the city comes alive, nursing his cup, and wonders whether he’ll ever feel normal again.</p><p>He remembers feeling the same way, before the 118, when he’d left the SEALs. He remembers the feeling of nothingness threatening to eat him whole, the worry of being no-one without them.</p><p>He also remembers the freedom of travelling; wind in his hair and sun on his face. No responsibilities, but also no pressure. It’s like taking a holiday, as opposed to becoming one with his furniture, and once brought him the clarity he needed to start over in L.A.</p><p>Slowly but surely, as the day wears on, a plan forms in his mind.</p><p>It’s around 4.30pm when he finally leaves the apartment, for the first time in god knows how many days. His neighbours are surprised to see him, but smile and wave and ask if he’s okay. Even just getting out of the building makes him feel slightly better. He still looks rough, no doubt about that, with bloodshot eyes and shadows hanging beneath them, but he has motivation now, even if it’s only to get down the road to the 118.</p><p>The building looms over him, and any happiness Buck once felt for it is gone. He doesn’t feel the lure of the fire trucks, the sirens or the people he once called family, now.</p><p>He feels nothing.</p><p>People greet him as he walks inside, saying they’d missed him, but he can’t recall the last time they truly spoke to him.</p><p>Lies; that’s all the 118 brings him now. Betrayal, and the bitter sting of disappointment.</p><p>He ghosts up to Bobby’s office, ignoring everything around him. He’s not really there, after all, is he? They don’t need him, want him, anymore. He’s an echo of the 118’s past, nothing more.</p><p>Bobby looks up, surprised to see him, but gestures to the empty seat and tells him to close the door. Buck shuts the wooden frame behind him, but doesn’t sit. “I’m not staying.”</p><p>“Okay…” Bobby looks confused, so Buck just sighs and hands him the envelope in his hands.</p><p>“My resignation, Captain.”</p><p>He feels a slight satisfaction at Bobby’s flinch, but whether it’s the act itself or calling him by his full title, Buck isn’t sure.</p><p>“You don’t have to do this, Buck.”</p><p>“I think I do.” Buck replies, blinking back the tears that are building behind his eyelids. “I don’t belong here anymore. I’ve realised that now.”</p><p>“You do.” Bobby says, and suddenly he’s standing in front of Buck, hand on his elbow. “It’s just gonna take time.”</p><p>Buck shakes his head, pulling himself away from Bobby’s touch. “If it were, then you wouldn’t have gone behind my back. You would have talked to me. The way I see it, you’re never gonna let me back.”</p><p>Bobby opens his mouth to speak, but Buck’s already halfway out the door. “This time, I’m leaving on my terms.”</p><p>He’s down the stairs by the time Bobby has the wherewithal to call out to him. “Where are you gonna go, Buck?”</p><p>He doesn’t know how Bobby understood that without him having to say it. Maybe it’s his impatience at wanting to return now or never, or maybe it’s the sadness that Buck knows is clear in his eyes. Either way, it doesn’t matter. “I don’t know.” He answers truthfully. “Just see where the road takes me.” Then he’s gone, sliding back into his car and speeding away from the 118, for good.</p><p>For the first time since all this began, as he sees the 118 shrink and disappear in his rear view mirror, Buck feels a sense of calm.</p><p>Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long. Nowhere in America seems to provide the clarity he was seeking, and it’s only when he’s in some godforsaken part of Nebraska, at another drop in clinic for his check-up, that he realises. He’s been being weaned off the blood thinners for the last 2 weeks, and now he’s told he doesn’t have to take them any longer. He’s completely clean. So, back in his car and driving down another highway to who knows where, he finds his fist hitting the steering column.</p><p>Three months. He’s been gone three months and found nothing to hold him down; nothing to tell him where he truly belongs. Now finally off the blood thinners and medically able to work, he wonders whether he took the wrong path in leaving L.A.</p><p>He could be back at the 118 now.</p><p>Instead, he’s burned all those bridges.</p><p>Instead, he’s alone.</p><p>He drives for a long time, longer than he probably should, but he knows there’s little chance of him being able to sleep like this. He needs to find his thing; needs to prove there’s a place where he belongs. Otherwise…</p><p>Maybe it’s a guardian angel looking out for him – god knows he has to have one after everything he’s survived – but somehow he finds himself in Chicago. From there, he finds himself parked in front of Station 51.</p><p>His legs move of their own accord, bringing him into the community area. From there, he winds his way into the truck bay.</p><p>“Hey!” A stern voice calls.</p><p>He turns, and there in front of him is Kelly Severide. He’s barely changed in the year and a half since Buck last saw him; is still the big brother he never knew he’d needed until he got him. In a split second, he finds himself falling into Kelly’s embrace, letting out a sob that’s been building for months.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long Kelly stands there holding him, but a part of him feels like he’s finally home.</p><p>When they finally break away from each other, Buck pathetically wiping his eyes and nose on the sleeve of his jacket, Kelly asks why he’s here.</p><p>Buck can’t find the words to explain, so he just meets his brother’s gaze and whispers. “I didn’t know where else to go.”</p><p>Kelly’s hugging him again then, whispering comforts, before leading him to a table that’s set up next to the Squad truck, settling him into one of the plush seats. “Sleep Bucky.”</p><p>Buck’s gaze is questioning, but Kelly just smiles. “I don’t know how long you’ve been driving for, but you’re exhausted. I’ve still got 10 hours on my shift, so… sleep. We’ll talk when you’re ready.”</p><p>For the first time in a while, Buck feels himself truly relax. There, under his brother’s watchful gaze, he drifts off.</p><p> </p><p>Kelly Severide was an only child until his father remarried. Claire Buckley was a lovely woman who made his father happy, but Kelly had been 27 at the time, and didn’t need a new mother. He respected her, liked her even, but their relationship was stretched, at best.</p><p>The marriage had however brought the one thing Kelly had always wanted; younger siblings.</p><p>Maddie had also been in her twenties, just a couple of years younger than Kelly himself, and while she’d looked up to her big brother, she was mostly fully formed.</p><p>Evan was different; a happy-go-lucky teenager who still had a lot of questions and what-if’s. Evan had taken to Kelly like a fish to water, and Kelly had loved being Buck’s everything.</p><p>Then Kelly had joined the FD, moved to Chicago, and Buck had gone to try out for the SEALs. They’d kept in contact, but their relationship had become more distant. The past few months Kelly had known something was wrong. Evan had still kept in contact, but their conversations had been shorter, more succinct. Evan had stopped talking about the 118, and that had set alarm bells off in Kelly’s mind, knowing how much he’d found a home there. Still, he hadn’t asked, had been so wrapped up in his own grief after Shay’s death, and now he regretted it.</p><p>He should have known something was wrong.</p><p>Looking at Buck as he slept, he could see how skinny the boy had gotten, how his clothes hung too loose, and the darkness to his eyes, the sallowness of his skin. Buck looked ill, and Kelly wanted to wring the necks of whoever had failed to watch out for him.</p><p>So that’s how he found himself in Boden’s office, relaying the situation to his Chief and how worried he was about Buck. They talked for a long while, Boden not so subtly reminding him that there was an open spot on both Squad 3 and Truck 81, before saying that he would look into Buck’s record.</p><p>They shook hands, and Kelly went back to the truck bay. He was surprised by what he found.</p><p>Buck was still sat at the Squad table, but he was now not only awake but playing cards with Capp and Tony. The three were laughing as they threw their cards down, looking so comfortable with each other, and Kelly had a pretty good feeling that Buck would be happy here if he let himself try. He would talk to Evan first – find out everything that had been going on – but he already knew what his suggestion to Boden would be.</p><p>Buck was staying at 51, and Kelly would be damned if he let Casey have him.</p><p> </p><p>Later that evening, they were ensconced on Kelly’s couch, nursing cold beers and watching the football game. Kelly had yet to find the right moment to broach Buck on why he had truly found himself in Chicago, but he was determined to find an opening.</p><p>He needed to know what was going on with his little brother, and find the best way to fix it; sooner rather than later.</p><p>Ironically, the game gave him the perfect chance when an advert for the L.A. Rams v the Chicago Bears came on screen.</p><p>Kelly grinned. “You still betting on the Rams?”</p><p>Buck gave a tight smile. “Think I’ll give the Bears a shot.”</p><p>“Really?” He was surprised by the answer. “You fallen out with L.A.?”</p><p>Buck sighed then, pausing the TV and turning to face Kelly. “If you want to ask, go ahead. You don’t need to try and worm your way in with talk about football.”</p><p>“You used to tell me everything.” Kelly says, and his gaze inadvertently flickers to one of the photos on his side table; him and Buck, a handful of years younger, helping build one of his dad’s boats. “I didn’t even need to ask.”</p><p>“L.A. changed me.” Buck says softly, looking at the same picture. “In some ways, it was for the best. In others…”</p><p>“So what happened, Evan? Why are you really here?”</p><p>That’s all it takes for Buck’s wall to come crashing down. The tears are back, and with them Buck tells him everything that’s happened, from him being caught in a ladder truck explosion that nearly cost him his leg, to being betrayed by the person he thought was supposed to support him unconditionally. He tells him how the team pulled away, all but replaced him, and how he felt worse than useless. He tells him how he’d fallen in love, only for that person to forget he existed. How he needed to get away.</p><p>He tells Kelly how long he’s been on the road for, searching for answers, and how he’s no closer to finding them. He tells him how tired he’s been, how frayed, and that he wishes he’d never left, now he’s off the blood thinners.</p><p>“So why don’t you go back?” Kelly asks, and he doesn’t mean it – not really. He would much rather Buck stay here, but he can’t be selfish. “If they really were your second family…”</p><p>“They were.” Buck says, and his emphasis is on the past tense. “But the one thing I’m sure of is when I told Bobby that I don’t belong there anymore.”</p><p>“So stay here.” Kelly says, his hand squeezing Buck’s shoulder. “I’ve got… I’ve got a spare room.” He hates thinking of it like that, but his brother needs him, and maybe Evan staying can help Kelly with his grief just as much as it will help Evan heal. “The firehouse has a few open spots.”</p><p>Buck’s expression is a mix of disbelief and uncertainty. “The LAFD never officially cleared me. I’d still be on desk duty.”</p><p>“That was before you were off the blood thinners, Evan, and this isn’t the LAFD.” Kelly grins. “You told me how much you love rescues. I’d love nothing more than for you to join Squad.”</p><p>“You just want to boss me around.” Buck retorts, but he’s grinning, and there’s a sparkle in his eyes that Kelly has missed dearly.</p><p>“Maybe.” He laughs, hugging Buck tight. “It’s good to have you back, Evan.”</p><p>“Thanks for being here.”</p><p>“Always, bro.”</p><p> </p><p>It takes Buck two weeks – a record time – to pass his Squad certs, and then he’s walking into 51 for his first day. Boden had expedited the process of getting Buck onto 51’s payroll after receiving his records and reading everything about the situation Buck had found himself in, and his exemplary record when it came to difficult rescues. He went straight to the LAFD chief, bypassing the 118 entirely. It was up to Buck if he wanted them to know where he’d wound up, and Buck had no intention of doing so.</p><p>A chorus of cheers greet him, along with a huge banner that read ‘Welcome Home Buck’, and he’s never felt so much love in such a long time. He’s beaming at them all as he’s surrounded by hugs and pats on the back, introductions and excitement. There’s a cake sat on the Squad table that reads ‘Welcome to 81!’, complete with candles that they make him blow out.</p><p>After that he’s given a full tour, and taken to the gear cupboard where his turnout gear is already hung up waiting for him. He touches the CFD patch first, followed by the embroidery of his name, and tears spring to his eyes when he realises it reads ‘Buckley-Severide’.</p><p>Officially his full name was Evan Michael Buckley-Severide, after his mother changed it on her remarriage, but he’d always used Buckley professionally. It was just less of a mouthful. But seeing it on his gear, realising how Kelly had truly opened every door to Buck, he can’t keep his emotions at bay.</p><p>Matt, who’d been taken him around, notices. “Kelly insisted on it.”</p><p>“He’s the best.” Buck grins, wiping at the tears and letting the gear go.</p><p>“He is.” Matt agrees, and there’s something there that Buck can’t quite put a finger on. He makes a note to talk to Kelly later.</p><p>They get maybe a further ten minutes into the tour, Matt showing him the back area where the bunks, and his and Kelly’s offices, are before the bell sounds.</p><p>“Squad 3. Ambulance 61. Hiker in distress.” The tannoy calls, and Matt’s grinning at Buck.</p><p>“Go on then.”</p><p>Buck’s running, into the gear cupboard to grab his stuff, shucking his turnout pants and boots on, and then he’s in the Squad truck, heading to his first call.</p><p>Kelly’s in the front passenger seat, relaying with dispatch, and then he’s grinning back at Buck. “You ready?”</p><p>“I was born ready.”</p><p>They’re at the location in less than 10 minutes, a rocky outcropping on the outskirts of the city, popular with hikers and explorers. It doesn’t take them long to be lead to the hiker in distress by his friend.</p><p>The man has fallen some thirty feet to a small ledge below. He’s conscious and alert, and his only injury seems to be a cut to his head and possibly a broken ankle. The problem is that he slipped off the ledge after hitting it. His fall was slowed enough that he managed to hang on to the edge, but now he can’t even pull himself up, never mind get back to safe ground.</p><p>Within seconds Kelly is shouting orders, and Buck can see the change from ‘Kelly’ to ‘Severide’. “Ambo! Get ready to prep and transport him to general. Capp, Tony, you’re our winches. Buck, we’re going down.”</p><p>It takes Buck a second to comprehend the order – that Kelly is trusting him so quickly – but then he realises that this isn’t his brother doing what’s best for him. This is his Lieutenant trusting a skilled member of his team, even testing him. This is what he’s been missing.</p><p>He nods, shucking off his turnout to put on the harness, attaching his rope. He passes the other end to Tony, who attaches it to his own harness. He’s already knocked two thick pegs into the ground, slipping the rope through the gaps to anchor them.</p><p>Severide nods to him, and then they’re over the edge, making their way down to the hiker. Severide has the backboard with him, Buck a C-Collar, just in case. He lays it down on the small ledge, while Buck attached the C-Collar. Then they’re working together to help the hiker back up to the small reprieve, strapping him down onto the board and making sure he’s stable.</p><p>They grasp an end of the yellow board each, and Severide shouts up to Capp and Tony. “Bring us up!”</p><p>They’re lifted inch by inch, and then they’re back on solid ground, passing the hiker off to Brett and Mills, and unclipping themselves from the harnesses. Buck’s just putting his turnout coat back on when Severide pats him on the back, grinning. “You did good, kid.”</p><p>It wasn’t the most daring rescue Buck’s ever done, but he feels the pride warm him like it’s the sun. This is what he was born to do, and he’ll be damned if he ever lets anyone take it from him again.</p><p> </p><p>Evan Buckley’s bad luck streak however, does not end at the L.A. border. It was supposed to be a simple call that turned into a potential gas exposure situation, leaving them with multiple patients who all needed to be checked out at Chicago Med. The two trucks and the bus manage to get everyone there, and the majority of the 81 are just inside the hospital’s reception area, checking in all their patients and updating the physicians on the details of the call.</p><p>Then a man enters, preaching to be doing god’s work, and all hell breaks loose. Buck’s the first one to notice the bulkiness of his jacket, and finds himself moving of his own accord, tackling the suspect to the floor, just moments before the device goes off.</p><p>The entire hospital shakes, the reception area facing the brunt of the blast, and when the bright white has receded from their eyes and the members of 81 can see again, they’re faced with carnage.</p><p>Pieces of plaster are raining down from the ceiling, light fixtures hanging ajar. Sparks shoot out from errant cables. There are bodies everywhere, and they can’t tell immediately who’s hurt and who isn’t.</p><p>The man’s words have them sealing off the area, turning the reception into a triage unit. Then they’re going through each person one by one, assessing injuries.</p><p>Severide is so focused on his role, on the emergency at hand, that he doesn’t think to take stock of his crew. Then a call reaches his ears, and his blood freezes in his veins.</p><p>“Hey! Hey, over here! It’s Buck!”</p><p>He’s off like a shot, skidding to a stop where Otis is knelt beside Buck. Mills and Brett are there too, Mills gently calling out to Buck while Brett takes his pulse.</p><p>She shakes her head. “It’s a weak pulse.”</p><p>“Trauma to his back and chest.” Mills calls softly. “He’s got shrapnel.”</p><p>Kelly can feel nothing put the pounding off his heart, can hear nothing but the offhand way that the doctor says “Black tag, he’s gone,” and then he’s whirling, fury in his eyes. “What?”</p><p>The doctor is saying something about percentages, but Kelly doesn’t care. “I don’t give a damn about percentages!” He snaps, before turning back to Buck, calling him softly. “Evan? Evan can you hear me?”</p><p>Then Mills is grabbing a gurney, and they’re all lifting Buck together, cutting off his turnout and taking him into a trauma bay.</p><p>Casey watches them go, heart in his chest as he sees the distress on Kelly’s face. He radios Boden. “Chief, Buck took a hit in the explosion. Seems pretty bad. Doc wanted to black tag.”</p><p>“Okay. Keep me in the loop.” Boden replies, and Casey can hear the hitch in his voice. Evan might have been Kelly’s brother, but they’d all taken him under their wings. “How’s Severide?”</p><p>“He’s with Buck.” He can’t say more, watching the way Kelly’s face changes, hands trembling as Mills and Brett uncover Buck’s wounds.</p><p>Then another doctor, a woman, is rushing passed them into the bay, and all the rest of the 81 can do is pray.</p><p> </p><p>Kelly feels numb, watching Mills and Brett and the doctor work on his kid brother. He feels nothing except the rough fabric of Buck’s turnout coat under his fingers. He’s playing absently with the stitching on his name, eyes focused on the beats of the heart monitor.</p><p>Buckley-Severide.</p><p>He’d had so many reasons for requesting the double barrel on Buck’s gear; some just for Buck, some for both of them, and some just for himself. The past six months had been some of the best of his career, working side by side with his brother, saving lives, and now… Kelly couldn’t lose Buck.</p><p>He wouldn’t survive it, not after Shay.</p><p>So he holds the jacket tightly and prays to whatever deities are listening for them to not take Buck from him. Not today; not ever.</p><p>Buck’s eyes are moving rapidly beneath his closed eyelids as the three work in sync to save him. The doctor’s saying something about another piece of shrapnel when Buck’s O2 starts dropping, the heart monitor screeching in protest. Brett slides the breathing tube further down Buck’s throat, squeezing the bag in perfect rhythm to keep him breathing, while the doctor says she’s going to cut a ligament to move Buck’s lung out of the way while she gets the last piece of shrapnel.</p><p>Kelly’s frozen, watching her with bated breath and letting out a sigh of relief when she manages it. Even Brett and Mills seem relieved.</p><p>Then the momentary calm is broken by spurts of blood erupting from Buck’s chest cavity, and the doctor curses, shouting for more implements as she tries to find and stem the bleed. It’s the longest two hours of Kelly’s life, but eventually Buck’s vitals stabilise, the bleeder fixed, all the shrapnel gone, and she’s closing Buck up with a smile.</p><p>The doctor from earlier appears in the doorway, glancing between Buck and Kelly. “What can I say? I like miracles.” He’s gone a second later, and Kelly feels himself scowl at the reduction of his brother’s life to a statistic. Mostly though, he’s glad that whoever heard his prayer had listened.</p><p>It takes another few hours for them all to be cleared of the potential bio-weapon but now that Buck’s going to be okay Kelly finds the time going much quicker. Soon enough they’re wheeling Buck up to a room, and Kelly’s walking beside him, one hand in Buck’s and the other still curled around his tattered turnout coat.</p><p>The doctor assigned to him, neither the woman nor the man Kelly’s found himself disliking, says that his body’s suffered a trauma and so it may take a few days for him to wake up, especially being that he’s also suffered a slight concussion. She tells Kelly that they will be monitoring Buck closely though, and that he doesn’t need to worry.</p><p>Easier said than done when you’re a big brother, but Kelly thanks her nonetheless.</p><p>He goes outside once to talk to Boden, assure him that Buck will be okay, and ask for extended leave, and then he’s back in Buck’s room, settling into a hard plastic chair. He’ll wait forever if he can see those baby blues again.</p><p> </p><p>Maddie is at the fire station for weekly dinner when the 6o’clock news flickers on the TV. The ‘family’ is sat around the table, laughing at a tale that Athena is regaling. It’s nice, her hand warm in Chimney’s, but there’s a sadness to it also.</p><p>They all know they’re missing someone.</p><p>Buck’s departure had left a hole in the 118 team and try as they might, they were never the same after. They’d first been confused at Buck’s abrupt actions, wondering why he’d been determined to not just wait out the desk duty and come back when he was ready. But then they’d all realised how little contact they’d had with him over the months, how little they’d actually checked on him, so when Bobby had admitted Buck’s true reason for leaving, they’d all understood.</p><p>Buck had felt abandoned by them, and not one of them could say he didn’t have reason to.</p><p>Even Maddie, who loved her brother like no-one and nothing else, had been guilty of assuming he was okay. He’d already been through so much that she’d taken his health for granted. She’s assumed he would call if he needed her. She realised that Buck would never put himself above others, would never ask unless he absolutely needed it, and even then… had he believed she would freely give it? She’d given him little reason to, so preoccupied in her relationship with Chimney.</p><p>They all regretted how they’d acted in the months following the bomb incident, and none more so than Eddie.</p><p>He’d loved her brother, probably still did, and had too been guilty of ignoring his needs. In some fairness, he’d also been dealing with Christopher’s nightmares over the tsunami, but then, by that same fact, shouldn’t he have been even more aware of what Buck might have experiencing?</p><p>Regardless of fault though, they’re not as whole as they once were, and none of them knows quite how to fix it.</p><p>There’s no specific reason why she finds herself looking to the news reports – god knows she lives them – but she does nonetheless, and sees a flash of a familiar looking uniform.</p><p>‘Suspected terrorist attack at Chicago hospital’ the news banner reads, before the clips begin to show CCTV footage of a crew of firefighters and paramedics bringing in a group of people, just moments before a man enters the building and sets off a bomb.</p><p>“… This was the scene at Chicago Med earlier today. Among the patients and staff, the fire crews of Station 81. The two teams, led by Lieutenants Casey and Severide, had been accompanying patients into the hospital after a call when they were caught in the blast. CFD reports that one firefighter was critically injured, though no name has been released.”</p><p>Maddie’s hand flies to her mouth, and she’s racing from the room, phone in hand, until she’s outside. Her stomach retches as too many thoughts fly through her mind, and she has to take several lungful’s of air before she can even think to hit her speed dial.</p><p>“Severide.” The phone picks up immediately, and she finds herself heaving a sigh of relief.</p><p>“Kelly… It’s so good to hear your voice.”</p><p>“Maddie.” There’s a sigh on the other end. “I’m guessing you saw the news report?”</p><p>“Just now.” She says, hand still braced against the wall. “Are you okay? It said someone was hurt.”</p><p>“A lot of people were.”</p><p>“I mean someone at 81.”</p><p>There’s a long moment of silence, and she finds herself calling her brother’s name twice before he responds. “Yeah, one of my squad.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Kel.”</p><p>“He tackled the guy. Got a bunch of shrapnel for his trouble.”</p><p>“Sounds like something you would do.” She sighs. “Or Buck.”</p><p>There’s a sharp intake of breath from Kelly, and Maddie frowns. The pieces come together suddenly – why she’s not heard from Kelly much lately, the sigh when he picked up, the way he’s avoiding her question of who was hurt.</p><p>“It was Buck…” She whispers, and suddenly her fear is back ten-fold. Of course Buck would go to Kelly after leaving the 118, of course he couldn’t stay from firefighting for too long, and – as she’d just said – of course he’d be the one to tackle the bad guy without any thought to himself.</p><p>“He’s gonna be okay, Maddie.” Kelly says, and his voice cuts through her panic. “Hasn’t woken up yet, but… Doc said he’s gonna be fine.”</p><p>“How? When?” She swallows thickly, her mind racing. Why hadn’t Buck told her he’d gone to Chicago? He may have been mad at her, but couldn’t he at least have let her know he was somewhere good?</p><p>Kelly sighs again. “He came about six months ago, and he wasn’t good. I gave him a place on squad, and he shines Maddie. How LAFD tried to keep him out… I don’t understand it.”</p><p>“It was complicated…”</p><p>“It wasn’t.” Kelly argues, and she knows he’s right. If Buck’s been at the CFD, better than ever from what Kelly’s saying, then why didn’t Bobby just let him back? “Look, I gotta get back to Buck. I’ll update you later.”</p><p>“I’m coming to Chicago.” She says, shaking her head and walking back into the station for her bag. “Don’t even try to stop me.”</p><p>“Maddie, you know I love you, but let me be clear… He doesn’t want you here.”</p><p>It’s like a knife through her chest to hear him say it so bluntly. “You don’t know that.”</p><p>“Maybe not, but I know what hell I had to drag him back from when he got here. I know you were there, and you didn’t help him.”</p><p>“Kelly, I know you mean well, I do, but Evan is my brother. I may have failed him, I’ll admit that, but that is never going to keep me from his side.”</p><p>Kelly’s silent for a long moment, and she wonders briefly if he’d hung up, then; “Call me when you get here.”</p><p>“Stay safe.”</p><p>She slides her phone away, bounding back up the stairs two at a time and all but snatching her bag from the back of her chair. The eyes of everyone at the dinner table are on her, but all she can think of is Evan.</p><p>“Maddie…” Chimney’s voice is soft, his hand on her arm. “What’s going on?”</p><p>She doesn’t want to tell them; not for her but for Buck. If he doesn’t want her there, he certainly isn’t going to want them. Yet… she can’t bring herself to lie. “Buck’s in the hospital.”</p><p>“What?” It’s Eddie’s voice that reaches her first, followed by Bobby’s “How?” and Hen’s “What happened?”. Athena is soothing her husband while Chim looks at her with concern.</p><p>“Is he okay?”</p><p>“I think so.” She replies shakily. Kelly had said he would be fine, but she wouldn’t trust it until she could see Buck in front of her. “But I need to go.”</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“Chicago.”</p><p>That causes another ruckus but she quiets them with a hand. “All I know is he joined the CFD a few months ago, and was caught in that blast at the hospital.” She points back at the TV where the news segment has now gone onto a story about a rescue dog. “Now I’m getting the next flight out.”</p><p>“We all are.” Bobby says, gaze fixed upon her. “We failed him once…”</p><p>“We’re not doing it again.” Eddie finishes.</p><p>In some ways, she’s never been more thankful to have them in her life. She just hopes Buck appreciates their presence too.</p><p> </p><p>Somehow Bobby manages to wrangle a few days off for the whole team, under the pretence of ‘family emergency’, and get a relief crew in within the hour. Then they’re on the road to LAX, boarding the next plane to Chicago.</p><p>The flight is tense. They’re all wondering what will greet them; both Buck’s physical state and his mental one. Mostly, they just hope they can make amends.</p><p>Before they know it they’re in Chicago, but the lateness of the hour has them deciding to retire to a hotel before they see Buck. They’re doubtful they’d be allowed in at gone 10pm anyway.</p><p>All except Maddie that is. She knows she can play the long-distance sister card well enough, and heads off, telling them she’ll text with an update once she’s spoken to Buck’s doctor.</p><p>Chicago Med is obviously a mess on one side, but she’s directed to the clear side where a temporary reception has been set up.</p><p>“Name of patient?”</p><p>“Evan Buckley-Severide.” She replies, giving the woman behind the desk a watery smile. “I’m his sister, Madeline Buckley.”</p><p>She woman behind the desk nods and smiles back at her. “He’s in room 274. Just down the corridor then take a right and go up one flight. The room’s just off the junction there.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Maddie says, and turns to leave.</p><p>“Your brother is a hero.” The woman adds, and Maddie turns back, nodding.</p><p>“Yeah, he is.”</p><p>She isn’t surprised to see Kelly there when she opens the door, half-asleep in the hard plastic chair by Buck’s bed. There’s a moment before he wakes where she’s able to take in the room. Buck’s asleep, but his eyes are too still. She knows it’s not a natural sleep, and has to hold back a sob. He looks okay mostly, bar some bruising on his face and a small piece of gauze on his temple. She knows most of the damage is likely to lie under the covers. A part of her is glad. The monitor shows a strong heart rate, and she’s thankful to see that he’s only on a nasal cannula rather than a respirator. The room is filled with flowers and cards, and it makes her both happy and sad to know he’s found another family with the CFD.</p><p>The door closes behind her with a click, and then Kelly is awake, looking blearily around the room.</p><p>“Maddie?” His voice is rough, and she wonders how long he’d been asleep.</p><p>“Hey Kel.” She smiles softly at him. “I’m sorry to wake you.”</p><p>He rubs his face, pressing the palms of his hands to his eyes. “’was just dozin’”</p><p>“How long have you been sat here?”</p><p>“Since he was brought up, pretty much.” Kelly replies, taking Buck’s hand. “’bout 8 hours.”</p><p>She nods, and they settle into a silence. Now she’s here, she doesn’t quite know what to say. Does she apologise, even though it’s Buck she needs to talk to? Does she ask how he’s been, even if she doesn’t have much right?</p><p>Kelly seems to understand her hesitation though, echoing Buck’s own words from months passed. “If you want to ask, go ahead.”</p><p>Maddie almost lets out a sigh of relief. “How’s he been? Really?”</p><p>“It’s like I said,” Kelly’s eyes are on Buck, smiling just a little. “He’s flourished here. Loves Squad, and they love him. The whole firehouse does.”</p><p>“He’s pretty easy to love.”</p><p>“Yeah, he is.” He sits back, but doesn’t let go of Buck’s hand. “When he first arrived, he looked awful. I told him to sleep and ended up talking to Boden. I could tell something was up, and that if he was here, it meant he needed a place to call home. When I came back, he was chatting with Capp and Tony like he’d known them for ages. They were playing cards, and he just looked so relaxed, so happy… that’s when I knew I needed to keep him here. That’s when I knew he needed to be here.” He sighs, looking back at his sister. “I’m not going to ask why it all happened. It doesn’t matter now. I’m just letting you know that it won’t be happening again, not on my watch.”</p><p>“We messed up, Kelly.” Maddie sniffs, feeling the tears falling again. “We thought he was okay. We… We didn’t realise just how much the job meant to him. He’s always been such a butterfly, Kel. I thought he’d just find something else. I… I really thought he’d be okay.”</p><p>“I shouldn’t have said what I did.” Kelly says, reaching out across Buck for her hand. “I don’t think he holds anything against you. Not really. He was hurt, yeah, but I think he didn’t tell you because he knew you’d built a life there too. He didn’t want you giving it all up for him.”</p><p>“I would have.” She says, squeezing his hand tight. “I’d do anything for him.”</p><p>“I think he knows, deep down. I think that’s the problem.”</p><p>“He’s too selfless.” A quiet sob escapes her, looking down at her baby brother. “That’s the problem. No-one knows he needs help until it’s too late.”</p><p>“He’s just Buck.”</p><p>“That he is.” She whispers, leaning over to brush a piece of Buck’s hair from his eyes. It’s so much longer now than when she last saw him. As she does, she notices a glimpse of reflective tape at his shoulder, and frowns. “What’s that?”</p><p>Kelly smiles, pulling it out from under the blanket and laying it on top instead, resting on Buck’s chest. “His turnout coat. To remind him he has a family to come back to.”</p><p>Maddie looks down at it, seeing the embroidered ‘Buckley-Severide’ and another sob escapes her. “It’s perfect.”</p><p>“I think so too.”</p><p>“You’re such a sap.”</p><p>Kelly laughs, the first true one all day. “For him, I’m practically a teddy bear.”</p><p>He takes Maddie and Buck’s hands again, and together the two siblings keep vigil.</p><p> </p><p>The relief Eddie feels when Maddie texts to tell them that Buck <em>is </em>going to be okay, and they’re just waiting for him to wake up, is palpable. Part of him wishes he could have gone with her, but he knows he couldn’t. Still, morning seems too far away.</p><p>So he lays awake on the lumpy motel bed; his mind replaying the last few times he’d seen Buck.</p><p>He knows he messed up, big time. Yes he was preoccupied with Christopher’s nightmares over the tsunami, but he of all people should have been able to realise that Buck would have been suffering too, if not more. He’d thought he’d lost Christopher, would have also protected him against a lot of the horrors. If Chris had been having nightmares, surely Buck had as well.</p><p>Eddie knows he should have checked on Buck more, should have made sure he was okay. But a part of him felt so damn guilty too – he was the one who’d forced Buck to take Chris that day, after all – and he just couldn’t face his best friend.</p><p>Former best friend, he thinks bitterly. He doubts Buck could forgive him. He can’t even forgive himself.</p><p>How had he let his friend face everything alone? He was strong, yes, but he wasn’t invincible, and everyone needed help sometimes. They all knew Buck was too strong to ask too, and maybe that’s why it had slipped their mind. They should have realised it wasn’t him being ‘too strong’ but ‘too caring’, not wanting to burden them with his problems when they likely had their own.</p><p>He should have known they were always there for him, should have never doubted that. They should have made sure he had no reason to.</p><p>Eddie sighs, giving up on sleep for the moment, and pads over to the window, looking out at the Chicago skyline.</p><p>Why here? He thinks. What did Chicago have that made Buck put roots down at the CFD?</p><p>There’s a knot in his stomach, and he has a feeling he’ll find out all the answers tomorrow. He has a feeling there’ll be at least one he doesn’t like.</p><p>‘I’m so sorry Buck,’ he thinks, and finally lets his tears fall.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie eventually falls asleep at the window, waking with a crick in his neck. He groans, looking over at Bobby who’s offering him a mug of fresh coffee. Thanking him, he takes a large gulp, sighing in relief.</p><p>Bobby chuckles. “Rough night?”</p><p>“Couldn’t sleep.” Eddie admits, looking back to the window. “I was just thinking about Buck, about why he chose here, of all places.”</p><p>“I’ve been wondering the same thing.” Bobby replies, sitting opposite him. “Maybe CFD made him an offer he couldn’t refuse?”</p><p>“Maybe…” Eddie knows it’s possible, but he has a feeling it’s more than just that.</p><p>They’re at the hospital maybe half an hour later, heading up to the room Maddie had told them was Buck’s. Every single one of them is feeling nothing but nerves and apprehension; Eddie especially.</p><p>The door to Buck’s room opens with a small click, and like Maddie before them, they all take a minute to just take in the room. Eddie feels his throat clog when he notices the flowers and cards. It’s all too clear that Buck’s made a home here, and he feels like he’s trespassing.</p><p>Then his gaze falls on the turnout coat that’s been draped across Buck’s sleeping form, and his heart breaks.</p><p>
  <em>Buckley-Severide</em>
</p><p>Buck was… married?</p><p>How?</p><p>When?</p><p>Everything in Eddie shatters; the hope that Buck would forgive him, but moreover, the hope that he would feel the same as Eddie did. He has to hold back the tears that are suddenly building behind his eyelids, not wanting to break in front of the team, but it’s hard. He tears his eyes away, looking anywhere but Buck.</p><p>Bobby notices it too though, frowning, but he says nothing. If Chim and Hen also notice, they too stay quiet.</p><p>They silently arrange themselves into a vigil around Buck’s bed. Eddie is standing at the window, eyes trained on the floor. Bobby has taken Buck’s hand in his own, and looks like he’s praying. Hen is looking at the collection of cards and flowers, while Chim looks like he’s texting Maddie.</p><p>Maybe ten minutes pass when the door opens, revealing Maddie and a tall, well-built man.</p><p>Maddie is smiling at them all, but the man is frowning, looking between them and Buck. His eyes especially linger on Bobby.</p><p>Maddie goes first to hug Chim, and then she’s talking to the man who came with her. “Kelly, this is my boyfriend Chimney, Henrietta, Eddie and Bobby.” She’s pointing to each of them, and then points back to the man – Kelly, apparently. “Guys, this is Kelly Severide.”</p><p>The surname jolts Eddie – so this is the guy who had stolen Buck’s heart – and he has to look away again. It’s all a little too much; first that Buck was married, and second that he was married to a guy. ‘It could have been you’ his traitorous mind whispers, before he shuts it down. He can’t be upset. He’s the one who pushed Buck away in the first place, and if Buck is ever going to forgive him – if he’s ever going to have Buck back in his life – Eddie knows he’s going to have to accept this.</p><p>Still, when the man all but glares at them and snaps, “Lieutenant Severide,” Eddie finds it very hard to like him at all.</p><p>“Kel, be nice.” Maddie chuckles, and geez, she’s buddied up to him quickly. Eddie really has to stop himself from reacting.</p><p>“You work with Buck?” Chimney asks.</p><p>Maddie looks like she’s about to reply, but Kelly beats her to it, nodding. “I’m his Lieutenant on Squad 3.”</p><p>“Squad?” Hen asks, because they don’t have them in L.A.</p><p>“We do all the highly dangerous rescues.” Kelly replies. “Aerial, underwater, enclosed spaces, that sort of thing.”</p><p>“Sounds like something Buck would enjoy.” Hen chuckles.</p><p>At this, Kelly grins. “He’s amazing. Honestly, he took to it like he’s been doing it his whole life. Beat the record on completing his cert’s too.”</p><p>Bobby’s eyebrows are raised at that. “Really? He did the same on his LAFD re-cert.”</p><p>Kelly nods. “Two weeks. It was incredible to watch.”</p><p>“I thought they’re done with an instructor?” Bobby questions.</p><p>“That was me.” Kelly’s still grinning, bouncing on his heels. “I started teaching after an injury and quickly came to love it. CFD still ask for my help from time to time, and they thought it would be good for me to train Buck seeing as he was joining my team anyway.”</p><p>“Wait.” Bobby’s frowning again. “You offered him the job before he completed training?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Kelly’s grin fades, and suddenly he looks sad. His hand reaches for Buck’s almost automatically, his gaze still on Bobby. “He needed somewhere to go. I wasn’t gonna turn him away.”</p><p>The mood in the room sours, and even Eddie can’t bring himself to be mad that Buck had basically run to this guy. He knows they can only blame themselves.</p><p>“We messed up.” Bobby says, looking back at Buck. “I messed up.”</p><p>“We took him for granted.” Hen adds. “We thought he was okay.”</p><p>“We should have been better.” Chim says, his arms around a sombre Maddie.</p><p>Eddie clears his throat, finally looking over at Kelly, and then at Buck. “We were supposed to be better.”</p><p>“But we’re here now,” Bobby finishes, “even if he won’t forgive us.”</p><p>Kelly sighs. “Six months is a long time, and he’s healed a lot. I can’t say he will or he won’t. You’ll just have to ask.”</p><p>A silence settles over them then. All the questions that could be asked have been answered, even if there’s more Eddie wants – needs – to know. All they can do now is wait for Buck to wake, however long that may be.</p><p> </p><p>The answer, is three days.</p><p>Eddie, Bobby and Kelly are the only ones in the room when Buck’s eyelids start to flutter, and it’s Kelly who jumps up first, leaning over Buck with a grin. “Hey, sleeping beauty. Looks like it’s time you woke up.”</p><p>Buck groans, his eyes opening a fraction. “Kel? Who you call… calling a princess?” His throat is gritty, his voice husky, and Kelly is quickly to feed him an ice chip or two.</p><p>Buck smiles around the ice as it sooths his throat, before opening his eyes further and looking up at Kelly. “Hey there.”</p><p>“Hey yourself.” Kelly grins, settling back and taking Buck’s hand. “How’re you feeling?”</p><p>“Like a bomb exploded in front of me.” Buck replies, other hand reaching up to explore the heavy weight on his chest. When he realises it’s his turnout coat, he smiles, fingering the embroidery. It makes Eddie’s heart clench again.</p><p>“At least your memory isn’t fuzzy.” Kelly chuckles. “Wouldn’t want you to forget me.”</p><p>“Could never forget you.” Buck grins back.</p><p>Kelly squeezes Buck’s hand. “There’s a lot of people waiting to see those baby blues again.”</p><p>“Can’t wait.” Then Buck’s eyes travel lazily around the room, settling on Bobby and Eddie. In a flash his expression changes, betraying pain and bewilderment. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>Eddie flinches, but its Bobby who speaks. “We came as soon as we heard Buck.”</p><p>“How?” Buck whispers, sure he’d changed his emergency info.</p><p>“Maddie saw the news, Evan.”</p><p>Buck’s focus is back on Kelly for a minute, eyes wide. “Maddie’s here?”</p><p>“She called me.” Kelly says, and that confuses Eddie – Maddie hadn’t known where Buck was either, or so she’d said, so how would she know him?</p><p>“Oh.” Buck swallows, but he doesn’t look back at Bobby or Eddie. “They can’t be here, Kel.”</p><p>Kelly sighs, glancing over at Bobby and Eddie. “Can you give us a minute?”</p><p>Eddie doesn’t want to leave, but he reluctantly allows Bobby to pull him outside.</p><p>Once they’re alone, the door clicking softly shut, Kelly fixes Buck with his patented ‘big brother’ stare. “Look, I’m gonna be the first one to admit I wanted to kick them out as soon as they arrived, but the past few days… Evan, they’ve been so worried about you. I told them you were gonna be okay, that they didn’t need to stay, and they all refused. Face it kid, you’re loved, even if they screwed up.”</p><p>“Then why did they replace me?” Buck whispers. “Why did I feel like they abandoned me completely? Why did I feel like Eddie didn’t… didn’t care about me as much as I did about him? About Chris?”</p><p>“You’ll have to ask them.” Kelly replies. “You know, families make mistakes. If I had a dime for every mistake my dad ever made with me…”</p><p>“You’d be rich.”</p><p>“Yep.” Kelly lets out a soft sigh. “I know I encouraged you to make a new life here, and I’m so glad you did, but that doesn’t mean you have to shut them out completely. They’re here. They obviously care. So let them apologise. Let them make it up to you. If you don’t…”</p><p>“I’m gonna regret it.” Buck closes his eyes, falling back into the bed. His fingers are still playing with the coat. “I hate when you talk sense.”</p><p>“I’m smarter than they give me credit for.”</p><p>“Just a bit.”</p><p>“How about a lot?”</p><p>“A bit.” Buck laughs. His eyes flicker back open, landing on the flowers and cards that line the side table. “How about you go get the crew if they’re not on shift, or at least go give them the good news?”</p><p>“And what will you do?”</p><p>Buck looks towards the door, mouth tight. “I need to talk to Eddie.”</p><p>Kelly nods, heading for the door, and then he grins back at Buck. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”</p><p>“That leaves a lot!” Buck guffaws, throwing the coat at him. “And take that with you. I’m gonna need a new one when I get back to Squad!”</p><p>“Any requests?”</p><p>“As long as you keep the double barrel, I’m good.”</p><p>Kelly’s still grinning. “So make it pink and add a tutu?”</p><p>“Go!”</p><p>The door clicks shut again, and Buck falls back to the bed, laughing. The smile on his face falls however, when Eddie walks in. He doesn’t mean to; it’s just so strange seeing him in Chicago, and it’s hard not to remember how their last months were. “Hey.”</p><p>“Hey.” Eddie looks awkward too, reluctantly taking a seat by Buck’s bed. He notices that the coat is gone, but doesn’t comment. “Thanks, for agreeing to talk to me.”</p><p>“You were my best friend, Eddie. I don’t… I don’t really want this to be it…”</p><p>“Me neither.” Eddie takes his hand with a sigh. “Look, Buck… I messed up, and I know it. I don’t have anything I can say that will make it right, or change what happened. I should have known, seeing Chris suffer, that you were suffering too. We just… I… took you for granted. I thought you were okay.”</p><p>Buck rubs his free hand over his face, and lets out a breath. “No, Eddie, it wasn’t all on you. I don’t know how to ask for help until I break.” His gaze travels to the window. “I just… I didn’t want to burden any of you. I thought I could handle it until I couldn’t and then… then I just felt replaced, by Bosko, I… I felt like you’d all abandoned me. Then Bobby told me he was the one holding me back and I… I just couldn’t take it.”</p><p>“We will never not be sorry for what we did, Buck. It was never intentional, but it doesn’t change the fact that we hurt you, and that’s… that’s not okay.” Eddie can feel a single tear drip down his face. “I will never forgive myself for pushing you away; for hurting the man I was in love with.”</p><p>Buck’s eyes snap up to meet his, wide and trembling, and Eddie realises his mistake all too quickly.</p><p>“I didn’t… Forget I said that. Please.”</p><p>“You…”</p><p>“Buck… don’t, please… I…” He swallows thickly, forcing a smile. “I’m happy for you, really. Kelly’s a great guy, even if he’s also a little scary.”</p><p>Buck blinks. “Um… what?”</p><p>“You know, that’s part of what makes this worse, actually. You were my best friend – even if I…,” he shakes his head. “You were my best friend and because of all this, I missed one of the biggest days of your life.”</p><p>“And that would be?”</p><p>This time its Eddie’s turn to look confused. “Your wedding…?”</p><p>Buck shakes his head, a laugh bubbling out. “Eddie, I’m not married.”</p><p>Eddie’s eyes widen. “Oh… wow… okay, I know Kelly joked about the memory loss thing but… I think I better go get him…”</p><p>Buck’s brows are furrowed, and then realisation dawns on his face. “Wait. You think Kelly and I… are married?”</p><p>Eddie feels like a deer caught in the headlights. Is he missing something? “I saw your turnout coat, and Maddie said his name was Severide.”</p><p>Suddenly Buck is laughing so hard that he ends up holding his stomach and groaning as he pulls on his stitches. “Oh my god… You think…” He can’t stop himself, and he feels bad because Eddie is clearly super confused, but Buck’s finding the idea all too hilarious.</p><p>Eventually he calms, shaking his head at Eddie. “Kelly is my brother.”</p><p>Eddie’s thoughts just grind to a halt. Everything he’d believed over the past few days simply turns to dust, and he’s left thinking ‘what?’. He says as much.</p><p>Buck just chuckles. “His dad and my mom got married when I was seventeen. My full legal name is Evan Michael Buckley-Severide, but that’s such a mouthful so I usually just use Buckley professionally. Kelly put the double-barrel on my turnout gear when I moved here. He thought it would help me remember I wasn’t alone.”</p><p>“Oh.” Eddie doesn’t know what else he can say, really. He feels like a bit of an idiot.</p><p>“You know you could have just asked?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s a great opener, isn’t it? Hey, I’ve come to see Buck even though I hurt him, and by the way why is your surname on his gear?”</p><p>Buck slaps his shoulder. “Or you could have just asked Maddie.”</p><p>That begs another question, actually. “But her surname is just Buckley. Chim would have said something otherwise.”</p><p>“Mads was 25 when the marriage happened. She was about ready to leave with Doug and didn’t want to change her name when she thought they were gonna get married anyway. I was still a teen, so mom asked me and had mine changed.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Buck just grins. “You’re such a dolt. ‘s why I love you.”</p><p>Eddie’s gaze whips back to meet Buck’s. “What?”</p><p>“You want me to say it again?” Buck rolls his eyes. “Why else did you hurt me the most, Eddie? I’d loved you for a long time, and when I saw you with Bosko… It’s one of the main reason I couldn’t stay.”</p><p>“Bosko… is so not my type.” Eddie breaths, smiling widely.</p><p>“Yeah?” Buck finds himself smiling back, cheeks heating up a little. “And who is?”</p><p>“Danger magnet firefighters with the most adorable birth marks, and silly double-barrel names.”</p><p>“Is that so?”</p><p>“Mmm hm.” They’re so close now that Eddie can feel Buck’s breath, hot against his face.</p><p>“You gonna kiss me, or what?” Buck says, and it’s all the permission Eddie needs. Buck’s lips are soft against his, and he finds himself simply melting into the embrace. When they finally pull apart, he knows he’s grinning like an idiot.</p><p>“You know, LA to Chicago is only a 29 hour drive.” He says, leaning back into his chair. “We can meet in the middle.”</p><p>“What?” Buck’s confused face is so adorable.</p><p>Eddie shrugs, still smiling. “I’m glad you’ve forgiven me Buck, and… whatever this is, I’m so amazingly happy. But I can see you’ve made a life here,” he gestures to the cards and flowers, “and I would never have you make that choice.” His fingers interlace with Buck’s. “So, we’ll make it work.”</p><p>“You’d do that, for me?” Buck’s eyes are glistening with tears, and Eddie moves to dry them with his thumb.</p><p>“I’d do anything for you. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>If Matt casually mentions later that there’s an open spot on Truck 81, and Eddie casually takes his number, it’s nothing more than coincidence.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I absolutely loved writing this, even if it ran away with me and got super long. I’m not the biggest fan of ‘I forgive you because I love you and everything goes back to normal’ endings, which is why I made the end quite ambiguous. Think what you will. I also super love giving Buck, and other characters, double barrel names, for many reasons. This one was especially fun because it confused Eddie and gave extra angst and extra feels. Until next time, stay safe!</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
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        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26491435">Save me from my misery</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idk34/pseuds/Idk34">Idk34</a>
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